1 00:00:01,569 --> 00:00:02,803 [***] 2 00:00:02,803 --> 00:00:04,672 Well, that is it. It's not my apartment, 3 00:00:04,672 --> 00:00:05,773 it is officially ours. 4 00:00:05,773 --> 00:00:07,708 The closet and drawers are all divvied up. 5 00:00:07,708 --> 00:00:11,545 Mm-hm. And I think the 80/20 split is very fair. 6 00:00:13,147 --> 00:00:16,016 Uh, you... 7 00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:18,752 [IN SQUEAKY VOICE] Me. 8 00:00:18,752 --> 00:00:20,888 When you proposed, you knew I was a girl. 9 00:00:20,888 --> 00:00:24,825 Oh, yes, I did. One of the things I love most about you. 10 00:00:24,825 --> 00:00:26,394 Mm, mm. 11 00:00:26,394 --> 00:00:28,362 Hey, why don't you put the clothes you're wearing 12 00:00:28,362 --> 00:00:30,364 into one of your drawers? Oh, and why don't you 13 00:00:30,364 --> 00:00:33,101 put the clothes you're wearing into one of your drawers? 14 00:00:33,101 --> 00:00:35,569 Because my drawers are in the kitchen. 15 00:00:37,305 --> 00:00:39,340 But-- But maybe we could use this shelf 16 00:00:39,340 --> 00:00:40,974 if we find somewhere else to put this. 17 00:00:40,974 --> 00:00:42,643 Oh, I forgot I had that. 18 00:00:42,643 --> 00:00:45,946 My dad gave it to me. He wanted me to document my valuables. 19 00:00:45,946 --> 00:00:48,549 But this is, uh, interesting. 20 00:00:48,549 --> 00:00:49,450 How so? 21 00:00:49,450 --> 00:00:52,220 Well, we were gonna, you know, 22 00:00:52,220 --> 00:00:54,488 and then you found this video camera. 23 00:00:54,488 --> 00:00:58,259 You want to document our valuables before we do it? 24 00:00:59,493 --> 00:01:01,162 No. 25 00:01:01,162 --> 00:01:03,131 Oh, I get it. 26 00:01:03,131 --> 00:01:04,532 [LAUGHS] I mean, you really want 27 00:01:04,532 --> 00:01:06,834 to videotape us? I don't know. What do you think? 28 00:01:06,834 --> 00:01:10,338 I-- I think lights, camera, sexy action, 29 00:01:10,338 --> 00:01:12,840 you know? [GIGGLES] 30 00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:15,976 This will be great because I can watch it when you're not here. 31 00:01:15,976 --> 00:01:19,813 Adam Rhodes, I did not know you were such a dirty little perv. 32 00:01:19,813 --> 00:01:21,515 Ooh, surprise. 33 00:01:21,515 --> 00:01:24,852 Okay, but I don't want anyone to know that we did this. 34 00:01:24,852 --> 00:01:26,019 Of course. 35 00:01:26,019 --> 00:01:27,521 Unless some funny blooper happens, 36 00:01:27,521 --> 00:01:29,423 then we send it to thathome videosshow. 37 00:01:29,423 --> 00:01:31,292 Yeah, I mean 10 grand is 10 grand. 38 00:01:31,292 --> 00:01:33,026 Good. And now I won't have to imagine 39 00:01:33,026 --> 00:01:34,928 you doing those provocative yoga poses. 40 00:01:34,928 --> 00:01:36,397 You imagine me doing yoga? 41 00:01:36,397 --> 00:01:38,999 Oh, yeah, honey. You, stretching, 42 00:01:38,999 --> 00:01:41,802 black spandex, like a cat. 43 00:01:41,802 --> 00:01:43,704 Meow. 44 00:01:43,704 --> 00:01:46,707 Like a silent cat. 45 00:01:46,707 --> 00:01:48,442 All right, press record and get in bed. 46 00:01:48,442 --> 00:01:50,378 [SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING] 47 00:01:50,378 --> 00:01:55,549 * How many ways To say, "I love you?" * 48 00:01:55,549 --> 00:01:59,887 * How many ways To say that I'm not scared? * 49 00:01:59,887 --> 00:02:02,490 * With you by my side * 50 00:02:02,490 --> 00:02:04,958 * There is no denyin' * 51 00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:08,596 * I can't wait For me and you * 52 00:02:10,864 --> 00:02:14,368 [***] 53 00:02:14,368 --> 00:02:16,270 Yeah, I heard what the German and the fed said 54 00:02:16,270 --> 00:02:18,806 but I don't think we have to overreact. 55 00:02:18,806 --> 00:02:21,209 Look, I'd love to, uh, discuss your portfolio with you 56 00:02:21,209 --> 00:02:24,011 for another hour, but I'm just stepping into a meeting. 57 00:02:24,011 --> 00:02:25,546 [CAN HISSES] 58 00:02:27,348 --> 00:02:30,418 Uh, my secretary just opened a beer can. 59 00:02:30,418 --> 00:02:33,754 There goes, uh, her 30-day chip. 60 00:02:33,754 --> 00:02:35,055 So I gotta go. 61 00:02:35,055 --> 00:02:36,424 All right, bye. 62 00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:41,161 [SIGHS] 63 00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:42,596 Oh, hey, hon. 64 00:02:42,596 --> 00:02:44,365 We're out of those pretzel nuggets 65 00:02:44,365 --> 00:02:46,267 with the peanut butter inside. 66 00:02:46,267 --> 00:02:48,502 Oh. So annoying. 67 00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:51,905 Tell me about it. I stick my hand in the bag... 68 00:02:51,905 --> 00:02:54,508 Nothing but nugget dust. 69 00:02:56,810 --> 00:03:00,948 I'm sensing your irritation is not nugget-related. 70 00:03:00,948 --> 00:03:02,483 What's the matter? 71 00:03:02,483 --> 00:03:05,886 It's-- It's nothing. Just forget it. Forget it. 72 00:03:05,886 --> 00:03:09,257 Ten years ago, I would've fallen into that trap. 73 00:03:10,458 --> 00:03:11,959 Come on, bend my ear. 74 00:03:11,959 --> 00:03:15,829 Okay, when you say "hi" to someone in an elevator, 75 00:03:15,829 --> 00:03:17,665 how should a normal person respond? 76 00:03:17,665 --> 00:03:19,833 Oh, the woman with the purple hat? 77 00:03:19,833 --> 00:03:23,537 Again. I say "hi" to her, I get nothing back. 78 00:03:23,537 --> 00:03:25,606 You know, last week I even held the elevator door 79 00:03:25,606 --> 00:03:28,175 so she could make it on. Still, silence. 80 00:03:28,175 --> 00:03:29,176 Look, maybe she's deaf. 81 00:03:29,176 --> 00:03:30,177 She's not deaf. 82 00:03:30,177 --> 00:03:31,345 She's just rude. 83 00:03:31,345 --> 00:03:33,881 You can be both. 84 00:03:33,881 --> 00:03:37,585 In college I had this really obnoxious blind friend. 85 00:03:40,888 --> 00:03:43,357 Look, why do you care if a stranger talks to you anyway? 86 00:03:43,357 --> 00:03:46,360 I don't even care if people I like talk to me. 87 00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:48,462 Well, I'm not you. 88 00:03:48,462 --> 00:03:50,298 I'm glad you're not. 89 00:03:50,298 --> 00:03:53,767 If you were, that would make me gay for myself. 90 00:03:53,767 --> 00:03:55,403 Right? 91 00:03:57,204 --> 00:03:58,839 Look, I know it's stupid 92 00:03:58,839 --> 00:04:01,141 and it shouldn't bother me, but it does. 93 00:04:01,141 --> 00:04:02,576 And that bothers me. 94 00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:05,012 You want me to talk to her? I'll talk to her. 95 00:04:05,012 --> 00:04:06,013 Boom, problem solved. 96 00:04:06,013 --> 00:04:07,348 No, no boom. 97 00:04:07,348 --> 00:04:09,350 No, I don't want you to talk to her. 98 00:04:09,350 --> 00:04:11,184 Ah. Then what do you want me to do? 99 00:04:11,184 --> 00:04:13,120 Nothing, I-- 100 00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:14,422 You know how I always tell you 101 00:04:14,422 --> 00:04:16,390 I don't need you to fix everything? 102 00:04:16,390 --> 00:04:18,392 This is one of those times, okay? 103 00:04:18,392 --> 00:04:22,262 I just need you to listen and understand. 104 00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:24,398 I don't understand. 105 00:04:24,398 --> 00:04:26,534 After 12 years of marriage, 106 00:04:26,534 --> 00:04:28,168 I would think you would get it by now. 107 00:04:28,168 --> 00:04:31,004 I would think by now you would get that I don't get it. 108 00:04:32,873 --> 00:04:36,510 You know, Dian Fossey had an easier time 109 00:04:36,510 --> 00:04:38,512 communicating with apes. 110 00:04:38,512 --> 00:04:40,681 I'm sure Dian Fossey didn't complain to the apes 111 00:04:40,681 --> 00:04:43,417 that the villagers didn't say "hi" to her. 112 00:04:43,417 --> 00:04:47,120 You know, I am so glad I shared with you. 113 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:48,789 Give me another chance. 114 00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:53,727 Give me another chance to listen and understand. 115 00:04:53,727 --> 00:04:55,696 Go ahead, bitch about something else. 116 00:04:58,566 --> 00:05:00,468 Ha-ha-ha. Wow. 117 00:05:00,468 --> 00:05:01,735 Thank you. Thanks. 118 00:05:01,735 --> 00:05:03,270 Purple-hat lady is no longer 119 00:05:03,270 --> 00:05:05,038 the most annoying person of my day. 120 00:05:07,908 --> 00:05:10,411 I hear you 121 00:05:10,411 --> 00:05:12,546 and I understand. 122 00:05:12,546 --> 00:05:16,884 [***] 123 00:05:16,884 --> 00:05:18,352 [CHORTLING] 124 00:05:18,352 --> 00:05:19,653 Hey, I found you. 125 00:05:19,653 --> 00:05:21,455 Where's my pot of gold? 126 00:05:25,526 --> 00:05:28,496 OS. That's text talk for "one second." 127 00:05:28,496 --> 00:05:31,164 [DIALS] Oh, yeah. 128 00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:32,800 She liked that one. 129 00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:33,834 [GIGGLES] 130 00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:36,470 Who is she and what are you doing? 131 00:05:36,470 --> 00:05:38,005 Uh, this is text dating. 132 00:05:38,005 --> 00:05:39,239 It's when you text a woman, 133 00:05:39,239 --> 00:05:42,142 then you decide who you want to meet face to face. 134 00:05:42,142 --> 00:05:44,712 Isn't it easier to meet a woman the old-fashioned way? 135 00:05:44,712 --> 00:05:47,014 Oh, conk them over the head with a club 136 00:05:47,014 --> 00:05:49,016 and drag back to cave? 137 00:05:51,752 --> 00:05:53,086 How well do you think you'll text 138 00:05:53,086 --> 00:05:56,323 with that thing lodged in your colon? 139 00:05:56,323 --> 00:05:58,826 Well, it's got Bluetooth, 140 00:05:58,826 --> 00:06:01,829 so it gets reception anywhere. 141 00:06:01,829 --> 00:06:04,364 I'm liking this one. She's smart. 142 00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:05,966 She laughing at all me jokes. 143 00:06:05,966 --> 00:06:08,301 LOL: laugh out loud. 144 00:06:08,301 --> 00:06:10,270 [LAUGHS] 145 00:06:10,270 --> 00:06:11,472 Dude, this thing is great. 146 00:06:11,472 --> 00:06:12,706 When I'm getting to know a girl 147 00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:14,508 she can't see me yawning. 148 00:06:14,508 --> 00:06:16,744 Maybe I should get Audrey one of those. 149 00:06:16,744 --> 00:06:20,614 Ooh, trouble in scare-adise? 150 00:06:20,614 --> 00:06:22,583 Yeah, she's mad at some woman in the building. 151 00:06:22,583 --> 00:06:24,652 I wanted to help fix things, she didn't want me to. 152 00:06:24,652 --> 00:06:27,020 When she's upset, I gotta do something. 153 00:06:27,020 --> 00:06:28,088 You want my advice? 154 00:06:28,088 --> 00:06:30,891 I already know how to download porn. 155 00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:33,894 Here's what you do: 156 00:06:33,894 --> 00:06:35,729 When Audrey gets mad at you about something, 157 00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:38,699 you get even madder about that same something. 158 00:06:38,699 --> 00:06:41,168 Why? Because it disarms her, 159 00:06:41,168 --> 00:06:42,670 turns the tabes, 160 00:06:42,670 --> 00:06:45,238 then suddenly she has to calm you down. 161 00:06:45,238 --> 00:06:47,040 Food for thought. 162 00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:48,408 Well... 163 00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:50,778 Now food for belly. 164 00:06:52,112 --> 00:06:54,615 Oh, no, she's getting nasty. 165 00:06:54,615 --> 00:06:56,383 [CHUCKLES] 166 00:06:56,383 --> 00:06:58,452 A little privacy, sir. 167 00:07:05,158 --> 00:07:06,560 Oh. 168 00:07:08,295 --> 00:07:11,198 [***] 169 00:07:11,198 --> 00:07:12,833 Okay. 170 00:07:12,833 --> 00:07:16,069 Time for the world premiere of our sexy sex tape. 171 00:07:16,069 --> 00:07:17,370 Oh. 172 00:07:17,370 --> 00:07:19,640 And I have a feeling there's gonna be a sequel. 173 00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:22,075 Oh, it's already in the works. 174 00:07:22,075 --> 00:07:23,210 Mm. Mm. 175 00:07:23,210 --> 00:07:24,612 [GIGGLES] 176 00:07:24,612 --> 00:07:27,314 And here we go. 177 00:07:27,314 --> 00:07:29,583 [JENNIFER LAUGHING] 178 00:07:35,723 --> 00:07:37,991 Is it just me, or is this not hot? 179 00:07:39,059 --> 00:07:40,327 It's a lot of things. 180 00:07:40,327 --> 00:07:41,995 Hot is not one of them. 181 00:07:43,797 --> 00:07:46,767 I'm just laying there like a lox. 182 00:07:46,767 --> 00:07:50,070 And what--? What is--? What is that face I'm making? 183 00:07:50,070 --> 00:07:51,739 Am I--? Am I crying? 184 00:07:54,608 --> 00:07:56,209 We are not tan. 185 00:07:57,611 --> 00:07:59,412 I should be at the gym. 186 00:07:59,412 --> 00:08:01,481 All the time. 187 00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:04,084 Don't we make any noise? 188 00:08:04,084 --> 00:08:07,220 Move! Do something! 189 00:08:07,220 --> 00:08:08,756 Oh, not that! 190 00:08:10,624 --> 00:08:11,692 Turn it off! 191 00:08:11,692 --> 00:08:14,027 Uh, okay. It's off. 192 00:08:23,537 --> 00:08:25,372 Wow. 193 00:08:25,372 --> 00:08:27,240 Maybe the problem's the lights. 194 00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:28,976 Yes, they were on. 195 00:08:28,976 --> 00:08:30,678 All right, so should we just move 196 00:08:30,678 --> 00:08:33,346 to the "having sex now" part? 197 00:08:33,346 --> 00:08:35,649 Yeah, I mean, 198 00:08:35,649 --> 00:08:37,885 maybe that will help us forget what we just saw. 199 00:08:45,392 --> 00:08:47,527 It's too soon. 200 00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:49,663 [***] 201 00:08:52,332 --> 00:08:54,868 [***] 202 00:08:58,405 --> 00:08:59,406 Hey, what's up? 203 00:08:59,406 --> 00:09:01,308 Game. Baseball. Close. 204 00:09:01,308 --> 00:09:02,876 Ninth inning. 205 00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:04,745 Hey, you remember Trish from work? 206 00:09:04,745 --> 00:09:06,580 We just had her going-away party. 207 00:09:06,580 --> 00:09:07,815 It was so much fun. 208 00:09:07,815 --> 00:09:09,850 Uh-huh. Oh, I know. 209 00:09:09,850 --> 00:09:11,619 She's moving to Tampa to be near her mom, 210 00:09:11,619 --> 00:09:13,553 but she's my closest friend there, 211 00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:14,855 so it's a little upsetting. 212 00:09:14,855 --> 00:09:16,256 Upsetting? You're upset? 213 00:09:16,256 --> 00:09:17,591 Yeah. No, no, no. 214 00:09:17,591 --> 00:09:20,493 Don't be upset. Uh... 215 00:09:20,493 --> 00:09:22,696 I'm sure she'll say "hi" soon. 216 00:09:24,965 --> 00:09:26,600 Were you even listening to me? 217 00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:28,168 Yeah, I was listening. 218 00:09:28,168 --> 00:09:30,871 And, uh... I'm mad. 219 00:09:30,871 --> 00:09:32,706 At what? At what you're upset about. 220 00:09:32,706 --> 00:09:34,374 Trish? Yeah, where does she get off? 221 00:09:34,374 --> 00:09:36,610 I'm steamed as hell at her. I'm madder than you are! 222 00:09:36,610 --> 00:09:37,911 Why? 223 00:09:37,911 --> 00:09:39,446 Because of what she did to upset you. 224 00:09:39,446 --> 00:09:41,581 I mean, come on! 225 00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:43,583 Trish is moving to Florida 226 00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:45,018 to take care of her dying mother. 227 00:09:45,018 --> 00:09:48,055 Yeah, well, I'll tell you what I'm mad at: 228 00:09:48,055 --> 00:09:51,091 The doctors who are just giving up on her. 229 00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:54,928 I mean, come on. 230 00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:57,865 What--? What are you doing? 231 00:09:57,865 --> 00:10:00,600 Getting madder than you. 232 00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:02,269 Trying to turn the tabes. 233 00:10:06,006 --> 00:10:09,910 Every conversation with you is-- Is a new adventure. 234 00:10:11,411 --> 00:10:12,713 I know that you're mad at me, 235 00:10:12,713 --> 00:10:15,348 but not half as mad as I am at myself. 236 00:10:15,348 --> 00:10:19,619 I mean, what kind of stunt are you trying to pull here, Jeff? 237 00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:23,757 [***] 238 00:10:26,059 --> 00:10:28,796 Hey, Russell, let me-- Let me ask you something. 239 00:10:28,796 --> 00:10:32,465 Uh, I'm busy, son. 240 00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:35,769 Have you ever videotaped you and a girl having sex? 241 00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:43,310 Why, yes I have. Why do you ask? 242 00:10:43,310 --> 00:10:44,878 No, I'm just-- 243 00:10:44,878 --> 00:10:47,380 I'm curious what homemade stuff looks like. 244 00:10:47,380 --> 00:10:49,416 You know, probably all pretty bad, right? 245 00:10:49,416 --> 00:10:51,318 Wrong. 246 00:10:51,318 --> 00:10:52,652 Check out my work. 247 00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:54,755 Oh, whoa, whoa, I don't-- 248 00:10:54,755 --> 00:10:55,989 I don't wanna see that. 249 00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:58,358 What? It's very tastefully done. 250 00:11:00,227 --> 00:11:01,695 Okay. 251 00:11:03,263 --> 00:11:05,833 Oh, good God! 252 00:11:05,833 --> 00:11:07,735 Oh, starting now. 253 00:11:10,804 --> 00:11:11,972 Well, it's good quality. 254 00:11:11,972 --> 00:11:13,741 Yeah. Pretty small, though. 255 00:11:13,741 --> 00:11:15,342 Ah, she has big hands. 256 00:11:18,145 --> 00:11:19,012 I-- 257 00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:21,715 I meant the screen is small. 258 00:11:21,715 --> 00:11:23,751 Oh, the screen is small. Yeah, it's tiny. 259 00:11:23,751 --> 00:11:25,986 Um, so, what's the deal? 260 00:11:25,986 --> 00:11:27,821 Are you and Jen thinking about making a 261 00:11:27,821 --> 00:11:29,990 [WHISPERING] sex tape? 262 00:11:31,024 --> 00:11:33,093 Oh, dude, you already made one. 263 00:11:33,093 --> 00:11:35,595 Nice. Did you go Hilton or Tommy Lee? 264 00:11:35,595 --> 00:11:37,197 Uh, what? 265 00:11:37,197 --> 00:11:39,232 With the camera. Did you go tripod or hand-held? 266 00:11:39,232 --> 00:11:40,768 Oh-- Oh, uh, a little of each. 267 00:11:40,768 --> 00:11:45,806 Oh, good work, Martin Scor-sleazy. 268 00:11:45,806 --> 00:11:47,374 So when can I come and check it out? 269 00:11:47,374 --> 00:11:48,641 You can't. 270 00:11:48,641 --> 00:11:51,244 Oh, Jen's uptight about it. 271 00:11:51,244 --> 00:11:54,982 You know what, I'll watch it at home. What's the website? 272 00:11:54,982 --> 00:11:56,383 There's no website. 273 00:11:56,383 --> 00:11:58,218 You know, and if Jen finds out that you know, 274 00:11:58,218 --> 00:12:00,587 I'll tell everyone about your calf implants. 275 00:12:00,587 --> 00:12:01,889 Ah! Shh! 276 00:12:04,657 --> 00:12:06,860 We understand each other. 277 00:12:06,860 --> 00:12:08,161 Yeah, all right. 278 00:12:08,161 --> 00:12:09,562 No, we just-- We just, you know, 279 00:12:09,562 --> 00:12:11,564 wanted to do something to spice up our love life, 280 00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:14,667 but it-- It's bad, man. I mean, it's very bad. 281 00:12:14,667 --> 00:12:16,069 I can't get it out of my head. 282 00:12:16,069 --> 00:12:18,605 The key to a good tape is that it's a movie, 283 00:12:18,605 --> 00:12:19,973 not a play. Okay. 284 00:12:19,973 --> 00:12:21,408 First you make love to the camera, 285 00:12:21,408 --> 00:12:22,575 then the woman. 286 00:12:22,575 --> 00:12:24,677 Then the other woman. Then bring your friend-- 287 00:12:24,677 --> 00:12:25,678 Okay. 288 00:12:25,678 --> 00:12:27,247 Okay, yeah, I get it. 289 00:12:27,247 --> 00:12:28,181 Suit yourself. 290 00:12:28,181 --> 00:12:29,749 Check out how cool this is. 291 00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:32,886 I tap on her naked body and all her contact info comes up. 292 00:12:32,886 --> 00:12:33,987 Ha-ha! 293 00:12:33,987 --> 00:12:34,988 Cool. Isn't that cool? 294 00:12:34,988 --> 00:12:36,289 Hey, guys. Hey. 295 00:12:36,289 --> 00:12:38,425 Listen, I finally set up a face to face 296 00:12:38,425 --> 00:12:41,895 with that chick that was LOLing at all my text messages. 297 00:12:41,895 --> 00:12:43,463 I think there's a connection there. 298 00:12:43,463 --> 00:12:45,032 Oh, good, good. I hope it works out 299 00:12:45,032 --> 00:12:46,499 better than that advice you gave me. 300 00:12:46,499 --> 00:12:48,836 I tried that getting-madder- than-she-is thing. 301 00:12:48,836 --> 00:12:50,037 It totally backfired. 302 00:12:50,037 --> 00:12:52,806 I have no idea what to do now. 303 00:12:52,806 --> 00:12:54,007 [GROANS] 304 00:12:54,007 --> 00:12:56,043 Just run, dude. 305 00:12:58,011 --> 00:13:00,113 Why do I keep listening to your advice? 306 00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:02,883 It's like those people who keep calling the Three Stooges 307 00:13:02,883 --> 00:13:05,585 to fix their plumbing. 308 00:13:05,585 --> 00:13:07,921 They never make it better. 309 00:13:09,456 --> 00:13:11,825 Hey, have, uh, you ever made a sex tape with Audrey? 310 00:13:11,825 --> 00:13:12,826 No. 311 00:13:12,826 --> 00:13:14,261 It was, uh, bad enough 312 00:13:14,261 --> 00:13:17,197 watching us dancing to Wham! on our wedding video. 313 00:13:19,432 --> 00:13:21,268 Hey, check out the one Russell made. 314 00:13:21,268 --> 00:13:23,203 Ah. 315 00:13:23,203 --> 00:13:26,506 That's nice. A little girl on girl. 316 00:13:31,711 --> 00:13:33,313 That's Russell. 317 00:13:35,048 --> 00:13:36,950 I'm sorry. It's just so small. 318 00:13:36,950 --> 00:13:39,286 It's the biggest screen they make. 319 00:13:39,286 --> 00:13:42,055 I wasn't talking about the screen. 320 00:13:42,055 --> 00:13:45,025 [***] 321 00:13:45,025 --> 00:13:47,160 Sex tape? Why are you watching that again? 322 00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:48,495 I'm trying to learn from it. 323 00:13:48,495 --> 00:13:50,430 The same way I study a tape of my golf swing 324 00:13:50,430 --> 00:13:51,398 to try to improve it. 325 00:13:53,300 --> 00:13:56,870 I-- I-- I gotta rotate my hips more. 326 00:13:58,138 --> 00:14:00,840 We are not talking about golf here. 327 00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:02,242 You're thinking about it too much. 328 00:14:02,242 --> 00:14:04,477 Sex should be spontaneous and fun. 329 00:14:04,477 --> 00:14:05,478 Before we made this tape, 330 00:14:05,478 --> 00:14:07,247 we were doing it here in the living room, 331 00:14:07,247 --> 00:14:09,182 up on the roof, at that boring bar mitzvah. 332 00:14:09,182 --> 00:14:12,652 Yes. Yes, two of us became men that day. 333 00:14:12,652 --> 00:14:14,654 Well, where is that man now? 334 00:14:14,654 --> 00:14:15,822 He is right here, honey! 335 00:14:15,822 --> 00:14:17,790 Come on, let's do it! 336 00:14:17,790 --> 00:14:19,692 Damn it! 337 00:14:19,692 --> 00:14:21,828 You shanked it. 338 00:14:21,828 --> 00:14:24,264 [***] 339 00:14:29,602 --> 00:14:30,938 [DINGS] 340 00:14:41,581 --> 00:14:42,515 Hey. 341 00:14:48,388 --> 00:14:49,322 Hi. 342 00:14:51,424 --> 00:14:54,361 You own a purple hat, don't you? 343 00:14:54,361 --> 00:14:55,595 Yes, why? 344 00:14:55,595 --> 00:14:56,729 Look, you don't know me, 345 00:14:56,729 --> 00:14:59,166 but I was wondering if I could ask you a favor. 346 00:14:59,166 --> 00:15:02,335 [***] 347 00:15:02,335 --> 00:15:03,403 [EXHALES] 348 00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:04,404 [SIGHS] 349 00:15:04,404 --> 00:15:05,405 [SNICKERS] 350 00:15:05,405 --> 00:15:06,839 Hey, Russell. 351 00:15:06,839 --> 00:15:08,141 Care to join me? 352 00:15:09,442 --> 00:15:10,710 Don't beg. 353 00:15:10,710 --> 00:15:12,012 Hey, where's Adam? 354 00:15:12,012 --> 00:15:13,646 He's at the apartment watching a movie 355 00:15:13,646 --> 00:15:15,949 that I've already seen and hate. 356 00:15:20,954 --> 00:15:22,455 Movie, huh? 357 00:15:22,455 --> 00:15:25,993 Was this an, uh, indie or a major mosh? 358 00:15:27,060 --> 00:15:28,428 It doesn't matter. 359 00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:30,597 No, no, it does. I'm a bit of a cinephile. 360 00:15:30,597 --> 00:15:32,232 Tell me about it. What's the plot? 361 00:15:32,232 --> 00:15:35,202 How does it end? Happily? 362 00:15:36,769 --> 00:15:38,171 Why are you here? 363 00:15:38,171 --> 00:15:41,374 I'm meeting my text date for the first time. 364 00:15:41,374 --> 00:15:43,710 We really get along well, she gets all my jokes. 365 00:15:43,710 --> 00:15:47,914 And I just hope grill-wise she's, you know... 366 00:15:47,914 --> 00:15:50,383 [WHISTLES, CLICKS TONGUE] 367 00:15:50,383 --> 00:15:52,352 Oh, because you're so, you know... 368 00:15:52,352 --> 00:15:55,688 [WHISTLES, CLICKS TONGUE] 369 00:15:55,688 --> 00:15:56,623 Exactly. 370 00:15:58,325 --> 00:16:00,360 Oh, is that her? Oh, that better be her. 371 00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:02,662 [IN DEEP VOICE] Jill? 372 00:16:02,662 --> 00:16:03,930 Ha-ha. Russell? 373 00:16:03,930 --> 00:16:05,232 Hey! Over here. 374 00:16:05,232 --> 00:16:07,200 Oh, she's coming over. Beat it. 375 00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:08,601 It's my booth. 376 00:16:08,601 --> 00:16:10,870 All right, well, I'm 31 and I race cars. 377 00:16:10,870 --> 00:16:12,139 Hey. 378 00:16:12,139 --> 00:16:15,808 Ah, nice to see you in person. 379 00:16:15,808 --> 00:16:16,843 And send. 380 00:16:16,843 --> 00:16:17,877 [BOTH LAUGH] 381 00:16:17,877 --> 00:16:20,213 LOL. Ah, ha-ha. 382 00:16:20,213 --> 00:16:23,050 Nice to meet my LOLer in person. 383 00:16:23,050 --> 00:16:24,451 [BOTH LAUGH] 384 00:16:24,451 --> 00:16:27,654 Hey, this is my friend's fiancée, Jennifer. 385 00:16:27,654 --> 00:16:29,522 Hi. I love your purse. 386 00:16:29,522 --> 00:16:30,590 [GIGGLES] 387 00:16:30,590 --> 00:16:32,225 JENNIFER: Oh. 388 00:16:32,225 --> 00:16:33,693 Do I have something in my teeth? 389 00:16:33,693 --> 00:16:35,695 [LAUGHING] No. 390 00:16:37,064 --> 00:16:38,431 All right, why don't we sit down? 391 00:16:38,431 --> 00:16:40,267 [LAUGHING] You're funny. 392 00:16:40,267 --> 00:16:42,802 Well, sometimes, but not that one. 393 00:16:42,802 --> 00:16:44,137 [LAUGHS] 394 00:16:44,137 --> 00:16:46,005 That one either. [SHRIEKS LAUGHTER] 395 00:16:47,274 --> 00:16:49,076 [LAUGHING] I'll go hang up my coat. 396 00:16:54,114 --> 00:16:55,782 She laughs at everything. 397 00:16:55,782 --> 00:16:58,185 I know, what a drag. 398 00:16:58,185 --> 00:16:59,786 I thought I was special, 399 00:16:59,786 --> 00:17:02,322 but she even laughs at stuff that you say. 400 00:17:04,124 --> 00:17:05,125 I'm funny. 401 00:17:05,125 --> 00:17:06,759 No, I know. 402 00:17:10,430 --> 00:17:13,333 You know what? In my mind, she was perfect. 403 00:17:13,333 --> 00:17:16,069 Some things are best left to the imagination. 404 00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:19,339 That's true. 405 00:17:19,339 --> 00:17:22,142 You know, you just gave me an idea. 406 00:17:22,142 --> 00:17:25,011 So, uh, how are you gonna get rid of her? 407 00:17:25,011 --> 00:17:28,215 Actually, I'm still gonna try to sleep with her. 408 00:17:29,982 --> 00:17:31,118 That ought to do it. 409 00:17:31,118 --> 00:17:33,320 [CLEARS THROAT] 410 00:17:33,320 --> 00:17:35,122 [***] 411 00:17:35,122 --> 00:17:38,024 I appreciate you accepting my apology 412 00:17:38,024 --> 00:17:39,926 for all of my recent behavior. 413 00:17:39,926 --> 00:17:41,594 Come on, I know you mean well. 414 00:17:41,594 --> 00:17:43,363 And I appreciate you doing the dishes. 415 00:17:43,363 --> 00:17:45,064 And I really loved that foot rub. 416 00:17:45,064 --> 00:17:47,234 Oh, and the flowers didn't hurt. 417 00:17:47,234 --> 00:17:49,336 Well, the bill did. I mean, they're just flowers. 418 00:17:49,336 --> 00:17:51,003 So they'll be dead-- Don't undo it. 419 00:17:51,003 --> 00:17:52,805 Sorry. 420 00:17:52,805 --> 00:17:55,542 Part of my apology, you get to choose the movie. 421 00:17:55,542 --> 00:17:57,244 Oh, uh, 422 00:17:57,244 --> 00:17:59,712 we could see the Jane Austen movie at 7:15. 423 00:17:59,712 --> 00:18:02,582 And you could see me sleeping at 7:20. 424 00:18:02,582 --> 00:18:04,451 You just said I could pick the movie. 425 00:18:04,451 --> 00:18:07,086 You're right. Jane Austen it is. Forbidden love and bonnets. 426 00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:08,721 Awesome. [ELEVATOR DINGS] 427 00:18:08,721 --> 00:18:10,190 [LAUGHS] 428 00:18:10,190 --> 00:18:12,525 Oh. Hi. 429 00:18:12,525 --> 00:18:15,094 Oh. Hello. 430 00:18:15,094 --> 00:18:16,529 There, happy now? 431 00:18:18,165 --> 00:18:19,632 [DOOR CLOSES] 432 00:18:21,934 --> 00:18:23,102 I'm not happy. 433 00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:26,373 You made her say "hi" to me? 434 00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:28,575 [SIGHS] 435 00:18:30,277 --> 00:18:32,212 I was just trying to fix the problem. 436 00:18:32,212 --> 00:18:33,946 I specifically asked you not to. 437 00:18:33,946 --> 00:18:36,649 When my wife is upset, I gotta do something. 438 00:18:36,649 --> 00:18:38,485 You don't take your car to a mechanic, 439 00:18:38,485 --> 00:18:40,853 tell him what's wrong and then say, "But don't fix it. 440 00:18:40,853 --> 00:18:42,455 Just listen and hug me." 441 00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:45,525 You know, I should be able to share things with my husband 442 00:18:45,525 --> 00:18:48,161 without worrying he's gonna go do something crazy. 443 00:18:48,161 --> 00:18:54,467 Or you could be more amused when he does something crazy. 444 00:18:54,467 --> 00:18:56,969 Let's not forget about the beautiful flowers, 445 00:18:56,969 --> 00:18:59,071 one of which is already dead. 446 00:18:59,071 --> 00:19:00,507 Okay. 447 00:19:00,507 --> 00:19:02,475 Honey, I just want to be able to move on from this 448 00:19:02,475 --> 00:19:04,411 knowing it's not going to happen again. 449 00:19:04,411 --> 00:19:06,746 It won't. Trust me. 450 00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:09,916 It might. I know. 451 00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:17,924 I'm sorry. Look, I'll, uh, keep trying to do better. 452 00:19:17,924 --> 00:19:20,092 All right, you keep trying to do better 453 00:19:20,092 --> 00:19:23,230 and I'll keep trying to remember the man I married. 454 00:19:23,230 --> 00:19:27,099 Mr. Good Intentions, Lousy Execution. 455 00:19:27,099 --> 00:19:28,968 Hey, you're right about that woman. 456 00:19:28,968 --> 00:19:31,170 A stranger says "hello," you say "hello" back. 457 00:19:31,170 --> 00:19:33,506 It's what separates us from the French. 458 00:19:33,506 --> 00:19:34,407 [LAUGHS] 459 00:19:34,407 --> 00:19:35,842 Couldn't agree more. 460 00:19:35,842 --> 00:19:37,777 At least one good thing came out of all this. 461 00:19:37,777 --> 00:19:38,811 What's that? 462 00:19:38,811 --> 00:19:40,713 We've blown the Jane Austen movie. 463 00:19:40,713 --> 00:19:42,949 Oh, there's another showing at 8. 464 00:19:44,116 --> 00:19:45,785 Awesome. 465 00:19:45,785 --> 00:19:49,722 [***] 466 00:19:54,261 --> 00:19:56,263 Okay. 467 00:20:00,933 --> 00:20:02,602 Adam, if you're watching this, 468 00:20:02,602 --> 00:20:04,837 it means you're still obsessed with the damn sex tape. 469 00:20:07,707 --> 00:20:09,642 But I've recorded over it, 470 00:20:09,642 --> 00:20:13,880 because instead of the reality, which is so harsh and pasty, 471 00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:18,285 I think you need a little more fantasy. 472 00:20:22,889 --> 00:20:24,757 Oh, Downward Dog. 473 00:20:26,893 --> 00:20:29,829 Into Chaturanga. 474 00:20:29,829 --> 00:20:30,997 Hey. 475 00:20:30,997 --> 00:20:32,699 I hope I'm not interrupting anything, 476 00:20:32,699 --> 00:20:36,235 but I could use a little help stretching. 477 00:20:40,973 --> 00:20:42,842 We are back! 478 00:20:44,377 --> 00:20:45,912 [***] 479 00:20:48,481 --> 00:20:50,149 [***] 480 00:20:50,149 --> 00:20:51,818 [GROANS] 481 00:20:53,119 --> 00:20:55,955 Well, that was the last room. 482 00:20:55,955 --> 00:20:58,658 Now the apartment's officially ours. 483 00:21:03,396 --> 00:21:04,964 Wait a minute. 484 00:21:04,964 --> 00:21:07,734 That was my drawer. Did you take one of my drawers? 485 00:21:07,734 --> 00:21:08,835 Yeah. 486 00:21:10,737 --> 00:21:11,804 When? 487 00:21:13,039 --> 00:21:14,907 When I was on top. 488 00:21:16,876 --> 00:21:19,846 So is this how it's gonna be for the rest of my life? 489 00:21:19,846 --> 00:21:21,481 Uh-huh. 490 00:21:22,449 --> 00:21:24,183 Do you want another drawer? 491 00:21:24,183 --> 00:21:25,184 Yeah. 492 00:21:25,184 --> 00:21:26,553 [LAUGHS] 493 00:21:26,553 --> 00:21:29,322 [***] 494 00:21:33,225 --> 00:21:37,364 [***]